Ten Reasons
by Helvetica Black
Summary: She just needed ten reasons. Ten tiny reasons. Just ten. Ten reasons to stop loving Edward Cullen. Ten reasons to live. Ten reasons to fall in love again. [redone]
1. Prologue

**A/N: SO MANY NM SPINOFFS! JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD JUMP RIGHT INTO THE FRAY.**

* * *

_These violent delights _

_have violent ends... _

_And in their triumph die, _

_like fire and powder... _

_Which, as they kiss, consume..._

I love him so much. I still do. But everyone tells me to stop. _Stop_ hurting myself, _stop_ bothering with a guy like Edward Cullen, _stop_ being miserable, _stop_ the non-life I'm living, _stop_ the zombie-like existence that I seem to be so intent in keeping. But they don't get it. They don't understand how hard it is. It's not like some drug withdrawal, like everyone keeps on saying. They say I have symptoms of it; shakes, fevers, nightmares, hallucinations. They're so sure that I'm having withdrawal, and they're so sure that my drug was Edward.

But he's not some drug. He's not my ice, not my pot, not even my own brand of heroin. He's not even mine anymore. So I can't just "stop."

What's there to stop?

People keep telling me to stop, stop, _stop_. But "stop" is such a short word. Its monosyllabic shortness makes it sound easier than it is. They don't understand that a word with four tiny letters and one syllable could actually kill me.

How can I stop something that involves every part of me? How can I stop loving Edward, if it's the memory of him that keeps my heart beating? How can I forget him, if my moments with him outshone all the other parts of my life? He was so bright, so beautiful, so dazzling, that I can't even remember what my life was like before I met him.

What was my life like before Edward Cullen and Forks?

I was in Phoenix. I lived with my mother and her husband. I went to school. I had good grades, and I spent my idle hours doing... what? I can't remember. I can't remember anything anymore.

But I remember Edward, no matter how hard I wish I could forget him. I remember every place of his angular cheekbones, every dip and swell of his lips, every sigh he made when he kissed me, every smile, every laugh, every expression that ever passed his lovely face. I remember everything about him, and I love him. How can I stop the only thing that I remember doing? How could Charlie and everyone else even suggest something so painful? Do they really want me to die this time?

I don't feel hollow. I don't feel confused. I feel terrified, because I don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. I can't fall in love anymore; Edward ruined me for other men. He's perfect, so very perfect, and even more perfect because he loves me. He left me, yes, but he did that because he wanted me safe from vampires. Safe from himself.

He loves me so much. Too much. How can anyone compete with that?

But I need to get over him. It will kill me, but I have to try. He's not coming back. He's never going back, and I know that now. No amount of cliff-diving or motor cycle accidents or hypothermia would ever bring him back to me.

I love Edward Cullen.

I just need to learn that some things don't last forever.


	2. The first reason

I need reasons. Twenty, fifteen, or even just ten of them. I need reasons to give up on Edward Cullen. Hard as it is to find even just one flaw in him, I need to give up. I know I have to. If not for Edward, then I should give up on him for myself.

When I first met him, I thought he hated me. He made me feel like dirt, like I smelled like a sewer, like I was a leper and he didn't want to breathe the same air I did. It turned out that he actually wanted me too much. And not in the way I expected at all.

Enter Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, the vampire who thirsted for my blood.

I didn't like him at first. He was an arrogant bastard who had god-given looks that he didn't deserve. He made fun of me a lot. He mocked me.

I'm not sure when it began, but suddenly we were neck-deep in an impossible romance. Impossible, because he was a heroin addict on rehab, and I was a packet of heroin dangling right at his face.

But the kisses we shared. The laughter and love and the times we planned for our future. Or the times I planned them, while he said "no" so many times it almost became a mantra to him:

_No, you can't be a vampire._

_No, I won't allow it._

_No, you shouldn't want to be a soulless monster._

_No, we are too different._

_No, we couldn't stay together._

No. Always no. Is there even the tiniest chance that he will come back for me?

That's another no.

But I can't hate him for that. I can't hate him for leaving me, for saying no when I offered him my soul. I can't hate him for leaving me to die in the woods. I can't hate him for rejecting me, because I understand that everything he did, he did for me. I figure that he knows of the wolves, and he knows I would be safe with them. And honestly, I'm tired of trying to get him to come back anyway.

I'm tired. Not just exhausted, this tiredness is a bone-deep weariness. Thinking about Edward always makes me wonder why I'm still breathing.

Oh. Right. Jacob.

He forced me back. Dragged me back to life while my soul kicked and screamed to be left alone. Jacob did this to me. And now, I have to live with it. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of trying again. I'm scared of the pain that came with death. I'm scared of death, but I'm terrified of life.

I'm trapped in limbo. It's exhausting to be there, but in a way, also comforting. I'm not moving on with my life, so I wouldn't have to find out how tragic it could be, and I'm not trying to commit suicide, because it hurt too much the first time I almost died. I'm still. Frozen in stasis. Alive but not living, dying but not dead.

"Would you like to explain to me how you're alive?" asks Alice.

I couldn't explain to her what I don't know myself. How am I alive, anyway?

"What?" I ask.

"I saw a vision of you." she says. "You jumped off a cliff. Why in the hell would you try and kill yourself?"

She has to ask?

"I mean," she continues, "What about Charlie? What about...?"

My head begins to hurt. Alice came, but not Edward. What does that mean? "I didn't try to kill myself." I tell her. "I was cliff jumping. Recreationally. It was fun."

She shakes her head and frowns. "I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy."

Why is it always like this? Why is it always a push-and-pull game? I pull, they push. I push, they pull. It's exhausting. I'm only human, I can't keep up with the head games they play. If they care, they should stick around, and if they don't, they should stay away.

They're incredibly selfish, these beautiful vampires. They drop into your life unexpected, make you care about them, make you think they care about you too, only to head for the hills when they deem your life to be in danger.

Who do they think they are? Gods? Mighty enough to decide what's best for the "lowly human"?

But I can't deny that Edward's absence hurts me. Why does it have to be Alice who checked on me, and not him?

I chuckle inwardly, realizing that I have double standards. I want Edward and his family to just stay away, but at the same time I don't want them to. I don't want to think of myself as insignificant enough for them to be okay with leaving me behind. I want to be important enough that they can't stay away.

But people don't always get what they want.

I'm just a puny human. Fragile and breakable enough that the vampires stay away from me to keep their consciences clear, and undesirable enough that they wouldn't even want to see me again.

"Does..." I whisper softly, sure that Alice would hear. "Did you...did you tell him?"

Alice looks at me with pity. "No. He only calls once in every few months. He said he wants to be alone."

She gives me a moment to be alone with Jacob then. Then the phone rings and he answers it.

"Swan Residence." he says. After a few seconds, his face falls into an angry scowl. I've seen that look on his face before. It's always there when we talk about— "He's not here right now. He's arranging a funeral." He slams the phone down with a growl.

"Who was that?" I ask.

"Always in the way." he mumbled.

Just then, Alice enters the house in a flurry of panic. "Bella, it's Edward!" she shrieks.

I blink, stunned by the sudden sound of his name. I always think his name, but I haven't heard it in a long time. People avoid mentioning him around me.

"He thinks you're dead!" she shouts wildly. "Rosalie told him why I came here! Bella, he's going to the Volturi. He wants to die too!"

What happened? Why would he think I died? Does he think that because Jake said something about a funeral? Does he think it's mine?

My chest begins to hurt. A tired heart. Another game of push and pull.

* * *

Volterra is a truly terrifying place. Its quiet and rustic beauty belies the fact that it houses monsters. Beautiful monsters, yes, but monsters nonetheless. I always imagined Volterra to be this mighty Italian fortress, but it's unexpectedly a city. A city that has actual people. With humans crowding the place like bees in a beehive. Do the Volturi feed on them?

People are wearing red cloaks, making the streets look like rivers of blood.

"Why is everyone in red?" I ask Alice.

"San Marcos Day. It's the day people celebrate the 'expulsion of vampires' from the city." she navigates the car through the tight sea of people and red cloaks. "It's the perfect time and place for a revelation. The Volturi won't even let Edward come close to revealing himself to the humans here."

Here I am, trapped in a game of "let's save each other" with Edward Cullen. He saved my life thrice. First from the van that almost killed me, second from James, and third from himself and his family. And I guess now it's time for me to return the favor. Fate can only handle giving three huge favors before she wants something in return.

And I will return everything. Even Edward.

I have to.

"... have to go alone, Bella." says Alice

What?

"What?"

"You're the only one whose thoughts he can't hear." she reasons. "Edward will see me coming, and when he reads my thoughts, he'll think I'm lying."

I frown, but decide to get off the car anyway. There just isn't time. I will save Edward, and I will force my heart to let him go. I will live on and comfort myself by thinking that he's better off without me. I'll get used to the pain. I'll get used to everything.

Then I can start thinking about how my best friend is a liar.

Because Alice lied about one important thing. She can't lie to Edward. She can hide things from him by thinking other things, but she can't outright lie to him. Why did she tell me that Edward would think she's lying?

Push and pull. Always push and pull.

Just when I'm about to pull myself away from Edward, she pushes me right back at him.

Alice has the best intentions, I'm sure. But the worst things done are always done with the best intentions.

I'm frantic, frenziedly searching for Edward's beautiful face, for the familiar crown of reddish gold hair. I haven't seen him for so long, I'm afraid I'd forgotten how he really looks like. Since he left, I always just imagined him, just pictured him in my dreams.

Then I see him.

And as I look at him, I fall in love with him all over again.

He's standing at the edge of the shade of a building, about to step into the sunlight and expose what he is. His golden eyes are wild, lost and full of sorrow.

I'm doing this to him.

He can't live with me, but he can't live without me. He's bound to an existence as painful as mine. Because I also can't live with and without him. Edward and I made a tragically, perfectly mismatched pair.

"No!" I shout at him as he slowly sheds his red cloak, revealing the skin on his chest that glistened unnaturally under the midday sun. "Edward, stop!"

His eyes widen and search the crowd for the source of my voice, before finally landing on my face.

He smiles. "Bella."

I run to him and push him back into the shade, back to safety. He crushes me in a tight, desperate embrace. "You're alive," he breathes. "You're alive."

Of course I'm alive. I'm right in front of him. He has a knack for pointing out the obvious.

"I love you." he says. Another statement of the obvious. And I hold back my tears, because I realize that the pain is not about love anymore. If it is, then it would be easy. But it's not.

We love each other, but the pain I feel isn't because of him. It's because of me.

I'm broken.

Not half-empty, not half-full, and never cracked. Just broken. I can't say when it happened, but I just am, and I can't exist right anymore. I can barely function. There's not enough of me left in me, and what little scrap of myself remained, I have given to Edward. Something's wrong with the way I'm living, and I don't know how to be right again.

Edward deserves more than me.

"I'm alive." I whisper at his ear. "I'm fine. So don't kill yourself. Don't worry. I'll let you go."

He kisses my cheek chastely, his face a picture of relief and joy. "No, don't let go. Don't let me go. I'll stay with you, Bella. I won't leave you anymore. I can't live without you."

Beautiful words. Painful words.

Aren't those the words I've always wanted to hear? But after realizing how terribly wrong I am for him, those words seem to be a confirmation of my fears. I've broken Edward, too.

"I'm letting you go," I say. "So you won't have to feel guilty anymore."

But I know it's not just guilt for him. It's pain and sadness and desperation. It's obsession and infatuation. It's love. He loves me so much. He loves me so very much, and that love has broken him, broken both of us.

"It's not about guilt, Bella." he says. "I want to be with you. I love you."

I know he does. But something, I'm not sure what, but something is wrong with me. With both of us, and the love we feel for each other. It's too strong. Too overwhelming. It was too fast for us, and now we both feel lost with and without it. It's beautiful and blissful, and it's deadly and soul-stealing.

He kisses me and smiles against my lips. My heart comes back to life.

Nothing is wrong with our love. But at the same time, everything is wrong with it.

He's too perfect, and I don't deserve him. I'm too dependent on him, and he loves me too much. I lost myself in his lips, and he lost himself in my kisses.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

"Edward," I say. "I can't. Please. No more."

He pulls away, and I see the shock my words brought him slowly show on his face.

"No more? What do you mean? Are you hurt? Was I hugging you too tightly?"

Tears sting their way out my eyes and make their way down my cheeks. "No, Edward. No more of this. I only came to save you. I told you, I'm letting you go."

He looks at me with a suddenly broken look. That's how he looked when he was away from me, I'm sure, because that's how I looked without him.

It isn't an expression of loss and grief, like a person would normally have after losing someone they loved. No, this is an expression filled with pain and confusion, as if he no longer knows the difference between life and death, as if he doesn't know why he exists, why he was created at all.

And it breaks my heart to see that look on his beautiful face.

"No," he whispers. "No, Bella, no. Please. Don't do this to me. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry, and I won't leave you again. I'll never leave. Please don't say you don't love me anymore."

So I don't say it. Because I do love him. So much. Too much.

"You can fall in love again," I tell him, and the truth of the words hurts me like a knife in my chest. "You'll find another girl one day and you'll love her a lot more than you loved me. You'll be fine. You have forever to fall in love. You'll be just fine."

"No I won't," he grips my shoulders and shakes me wildly. "I won't fall in love again. I won't." he wraps his arms around me as if I'm the anchor that keeps him from drifting away. "I can't. Not after you, Bella. No one else can compare. You've ruined me for other women."

Just like he's ruined me for other men.

"I didn't mean to ruin you." I say.

"But you have, Bella. You have ruined me." he replies.

I guess I have. In every sense of the word.

And my world dies before I even realize it's been alive again. He was beautiful and complete when I first met him, and I love that Edward. But I've ruined him. I wonder if this broken angel in front of me is the same person as the Edward I'd first fallen in love with.

Just as I kiss him one last time I realize I have a reason to give up on him. My first reason to stop our self-destructive romance:

I keep ruining him.

As much as I love him, as much as I care about him and would give my everything to spend more time in his arms, I always end up breaking him.

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**A/N: Reviews are love!**


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